Hopes for Open Adoption

This was an actual dedicated blog post but we decided it also just perfectly sums up how we feel about adoption and what our plans are for connection to the First Family that will soon enter our lives and become part of our life story. We decided to dedicate a page at the top of the blog so that these words are easy to find and access for anyone hoping to learn more about how we view adoption and the relationship that is possible when a first family and an adoptive family forge an eternal unbreakable bond with each other to love a child.

"We should not be asking who this child belongs to, but who belongs to this child. "- Jim Gritter

Once you open yourself up to the world and disclose that you are hoping to adopt, there are typically a flurry of questions that come from those around you as they seek to understand exactly what you your hopes and dreams look like for adoption. Usually people will ask what age, race, medical needs we are open to, but more than any other, we are asked if we want to know the birth parents and why we aren't adopting from foster care at the moment. And the answer to both of those questions ties back in to one answer. Open adoption is just that important to us. Yes we could adopt from the foster care system despite the long wait times in our area. Yes we could become parents through other means. But we started down a journey nearly a year ago that formed our belief's and our hopes about the kind of relationship we want and it is now much less about how WE can become parents, but about what our children will truly need. One of those needs includes a connection to their first family. It's not about how fast we can become parents, but about what we want for our children and for their first family.

I have written and re-written this blog post for roughly a week. I've fretted over the right title. I originally wanted to title it "We are not alone" but refer to the fact that open adoption means that we are not alone in this relationship and hope to merge our families together with the First Family of our future children. Then I fretted that this would not come across the right way. Then I wanted to title it "Open Adoption Myths and Facts", but decided without real experience, it would come across as assuming and odd. I then decided that I was wasting time on catchy titles instead of just writing from the heart about what we really, passionately, truly feel about adoption and how we want to approach this life changing relationship.

So I chose simply to write to others about understanding OUR specific views on Open Adoption and how we want to join our family to another. I assume at some point I'll dedicate this post to a page at the top of the blog. Once I get my thoughts down perfectly (and that just might take a bit).

This post will be a bit frank, but hopefully not offensive. I am merely relaying OUR personal experiences and reactions to them as they happened to us. They are our truth, but certainly not applicable to all involved in the adoption world. This journey has been incredibly eye opening for us. We've spent time, and by time I don't mean hours, but more like months on end, researching, reading, questioning, pushing, watching, observing. Our questions even got us "fired" from one agency because we just asked too much.... and that story is to come.

We'll start at the beginning. Seems like a very good place to start. Once we decided on adoption, we visited first with a very large, very wealthy, very public adoption agency in our area. At the time, we only had Google at our disposal to gain information about adoption and choosing a local agency. So we chose the largest local one and signed up for a group informational meeting, which would turn out to be around 200 people/couples and an 8 hour day touring their grounds and maternity homes.

The most shocking part of the day for us was when they brought out 3 very young and very pregnant young women, between the ages of 14-17 to discuss their adoption plans with the crowd. Each of the young ladies were prompted to process why adoption was best for them, how the agency had helped them and how this was going to improve their lives. I believe some of their answers were truly heartfelt and I hope their experiences were good. But to watch these girls "paraded" into a group of adults they had never met and prompted to discuss plans they had yet to experience broke my heart. Where was the privacy and protection for these women? Why were they being asked at some of their most vulnerable moments to answer questions in a group of interested onlookers? It felt horrifying and I wanted to rush to the stage and hug these girls and usher them out of the room, away from prying eyes. Why were the adults around me not horrified by this?

I still don't know the answer to that question and it bothers me to this day. But that day set off a flurry of researching and googling, specifically about "birth mother rights" and the agency name. It was more horrifying than the day we witnessed, as we read about the history of birth mother rights in our nation and around the world.

It eventually led us to obviously leaving that agency, finding a new agency where became quite overzealous in asking about how they manage and handle adoptions and open adoptions and then finally taking a few months off of active adoption agency searching to commit ourselves to learning more about open adoption and the rights of the birth family before we proceeded. Clearly we needed to know more, much more, before we traveled down this path. We needed to know more about how others were affected and less how we were going to become parents.

We eventually decided on Independent Private Adoption through a lawyer with an associated on site small agency where we are asked to locate our own match. We felt this route was the best for us and allowed us more assurance that the rights of the potential birth parents would be met and not left to a case worker who merely told us that they were advocating for these women while we could not ensure this was truly happening. When I say rights, I am not referring to legal rights only, but also human rights, moral rights, the things that should be afforded and given to everyone whether or not the law dictates it. Like compassion, rigorous honesty and openness about who we are, time, grace, understanding and most of all honoring commitments.

This all led us to how we feel about open adoption today.

A child can never have too many people who love them. Let me repeat that because it is really our Open Adoption Mantra: A child can never have too many people who love them. No child is endangered by having a richer fuller life with a big group of people who just love them to bits. Children are hurt by keeping people away from them out of ignorant fear, which is usually selfish fear. Once adoptive parents learn how open adoption is beneficial for all involved, fear fades and the truth is left behind.

For those of you who pursue adoption planning, we will:

-Ensure your rights and the rights of your child are fully protected. We want birth parents to continue to have appropriate control, and choice, as the adoption process occurs.

-Ensure that your child will be in a nurturing, loving and respectful home  We feel that it is essential to honour your child's cultural, racial, and linguistic heritage, and who support your religious beliefs.

-Negotiate openness agreements with the adoptive parents, so your child can be made aware of his/her birth history, first family, and have their own relationship with their first family.

-Help you through the process with counseling and support, so you fully understand the process before it begins, and what the impact of your decision will be when it is complete. We are very passionate about ethical adoption and this means advocating for the rights of the First Family along the way. If counseling is needed, we are very much in support of finding a well trained counselor who will privately meet with you and who will protect your privacy rights. We would love to meet with you in counseling if you are open to it as well. In independent adoption, it is crucial to make sure that all parties have a counselor walking them through the emotional steps of adoption so that everyone has the information they need to make the best decision.

There will never be a need for a reunion or a search in our home because our child will always know their birth parents. I would say to potential birth mothers and fathers and families that in our house, this child will know your name. Always. Your name will be spoken with honor and celebrated forever in our home. Your picture will have a special place in this child's room and will hang in the hall beside all the rest of our family pictures. If we are lucky, we'll have pictures of all of us hanging in that hall because you will always be family, not just to this child but also to us. We will shower you with more pictures and updates than you know what to do with! This can be in the form of blogs (I love the ease and timeliness of it!), letters, phone calls, and photographs.

We would like to meet you and have an ongoing relationship with you that would include visits, phone calls, texts, and letters. You will be part of this child's life. And not just on holidays or birthdays, but on the average Tuesday where we meet at the park and grab coffee while a little rambunctious 2-year-old races around the park. If we live distance from you, then please know that love covers all distances. And the cool thing about us is that we travel and we travel all the time! We will travel to you, we'll bring you to us, we'll meet in the middle. But we will have a relationship if you allow it. We acknowledge and are aware that adoption is a situation where we gain, but the other parties have loss. Our child will have loss, the First Family will have loss and grief is a part of that process. We honor this for you and for our child and we recognize it before the loss has even happened.

The more we learned about open adoption, the more we knew that it was the right path for us. We live our life with honesty and openness, so we feel strongly that an ongoing connection with the birth family would be the best thing possible for the child, and for everyone involved. Our definition of “family” is already very broad — including step parents, honorary parents, chosen sisters, and unofficial nieces and nephews — and we will truly welcome you and your family into our lives. We’re excited to forge a relationship with you, which we hope will become close over time. Our vision of open adoption includes celebrating birthdays together, enjoying family time at the zoo or playground, and mutual attendance at school performances or games (geography permitting), in addition to sharing photos regularly and keeping in touch throughout the year. We know that you will have your own wishes, and that your needs may change over time, and we will do everything we can to maintain our ties and ensure you are happy with the arrangement. Most of all, we want to make sure your child is given all the love possible — by you, by us, and by everyone willing to share their love.

Our greatest hope is to raise a child in a happy, loving home where they have every opportunity to enjoy the good things in life, and one of the good things in life is acceptance and love. We will allow your child space to explore their interests, learn about other cultures, and grow into the individual they are. We will guide your child to become a caring, compassionate and respectful person. But most of all, we will shower him/her with love. We wish you all the best as you make the difficult decisions that you will face in the future. Even if we are not the right match for you, please know that you are in our hearts and we wish you success in your journey.

Right now these are our dreams, hopes and promises. Life and time will change and shape how we, along with you, make our own path but we can only speak from our intentions and our plans for adoption as we continue on this journey