Open Adoption: A child can never be loved by too many people

"We should not be asking who this child belongs to, but who belongs to this child. "- Jim Gritter

Once you open yourself up to the world and disclose that you are hoping to adopt, there are typically a flurry of questions that come from those around you as they seek to understand exactly what you your hopes and dreams look like for adoption. Usually people will ask what age, race, medical needs we are open to, but more than any other, we are asked if we want to know the birth parents and why we aren't adopting from foster care at the moment. And the answer to both of those questions ties back in to one answer. Open adoption is just that important to us. Yes we could adopt from the foster care system despite the long wait times in our area. Yes we could become parents through other means. But we started down a journey nearly a year ago that formed our belief's and our hopes about the kind of relationship we want and it is now much less about how WE can become parents, but about what our children will truly need. One of those needs includes a connection to their first family. It's not about how fast we can become parents, but about what we want for our children and for their first family.

I have written and re-written this blog post for roughly a week. I've fretted over the right title. I originally wanted to title it "We are not alone" but refer to the fact that open adoption means that we are not alone in this relationship and hope to merge our families together with the First Family of our future children. Then I fretted that this would not come across the right way. Then I wanted to title it "Open Adoption Myths and Facts", but decided without real experience, it would come across as assuming and odd. I then decided that I was wasting time on catchy titles instead of just writing from the heart about what we really, passionately, truly feel about adoption and how we want to approach this life changing relationship.

So I chose simply to write to others about understanding OUR specific views on Open Adoption and how we want to join our family to another. I assume at some point I'll dedicate this post to a page at the top of the blog. Once I get my thoughts down perfectly (and that just might take a bit).

This post will be a bit frank, but hopefully not offensive. I am merely relaying OUR personal experiences and reactions to them as they happened to us. They are our truth, but certainly not applicable to all involved in the adoption world. This journey has been incredibly eye opening for us. We've spent time, and by time I don't mean hours, but more like months on end, researching, reading, questioning, pushing, watching, observing. Our questions even got us "fired" from one agency because we just asked too much.... and that story is to come.

We'll start at the beginning. Seems like a very good place to start. Once we decided on adoption, we visited first with a very large, very wealthy, very public adoption agency in our area. At the time, we only had Google at our disposal to gain information about adoption and choosing a local agency. So we chose the largest local one and signed up for a group informational meeting, which would turn out to be around 200 people/couples and an 8 hour day touring their grounds and maternity homes.
The most shocking part of the day for us was when they brought out 3 very young and very pregnant young women, between the ages of 14-17 to discuss their adoption plans with the crowd. Each of the young ladies were prompted to process why adoption was best for them, how the agency had helped them and how this was going to improve their lives. I believe some of their answers were truly heartfelt and I hope their experiences were good. But to watch these girls "paraded" into a group of adults they had never met and prompted to discuss plans they had yet to experience broke my heart. Where was the privacy and protection for these women? Why were they being asked at some of their most vulnerable moments to answer questions in a group of interested onlookers? It felt horrifying and I wanted to rush to the stage and hug these girls and usher them out of the room, away from prying eyes. Why were the adults around me not horrified by this?

I still don't know the answer to that question and it bothers me to this day. But that day set off a flurry of researching and googling, specifically about "birth mother rights" and the agency name. It was more horrifying than the day we witnessed, as we read about the history of birth mother rights in our nation and around the world.

It eventually led us to obviously leaving that agency, finding a new agency where became quite overzealous in asking about how they manage and handle adoptions and open adoptions and then finally taking a few months off of active adoption agency searching to commit ourselves to learning more about open adoption and the rights of the birth family before we proceeded. Clearly we needed to know more, much more, before we traveled down this path. We needed to know more about how others were affected and less how we were going to become parents.

We eventually decided on Independent Private Adoption through a lawyer with an associated on site small agency where we are asked to locate our own match. We felt this route was the best for us and allowed us more assurance that the rights of the potential birth parents would be met and not left to a case worker who merely told us that they were advocating for these women while we could not ensure this was truly happening. When I say rights, I am not referring to legal rights only, but also human rights, moral rights, the things that should be afforded and given to everyone whether or not the law dictates it. Like compassion, rigorous honesty and openness about who we are, time, grace, understanding and most of all honoring commitments.

This all led us to how we feel about open adoption today.

A child can never have too many people who love them. Let me repeat that because it is really our Open Adoption Mantra: A child can never have too many people who love them. No child is endangered by having a richer fuller life with a big group of people who just love them to bits. Children are hurt by keeping people away from them out of ignorant fear, which is usually selfish fear. Once adoptive parents learn how open adoption is beneficial for all involved, fear fades and the truth is left behind.

For those of you who pursue adoption planning, we will:
-Ensure your rights and the rights of your child are fully protected. We want birth parents to continue to have appropriate control, and choice, as the adoption process occurs.
-Ensure that your child will be in a nurturing, loving and respectful home  We feel that it is essential to honour your child's cultural, racial, and linguistic heritage, and who support your religious beliefs.
-Negotiate openness agreements with the adoptive parents, so your child can be made aware of his/her birth history, first family, and have their own relationship with their first family.
-Help you through the process with counseling and support, so you fully understand the process before it begins, and what the impact of your decision will be when it is complete. We are very passionate about ethical adoption and this means advocating for the rights of the First Family along the way. If counseling is needed, we are very much in support of finding a well trained counselor who will privately meet with you and who will protect your privacy rights. We would love to meet with you in counseling if you are open to it as well. In independent adoption, it is crucial to make sure that all parties have a counselor walking them through the emotional steps of adoption so that everyone has the information they need to make the best decision.

There will never be a need for a reunion or a search in our home because our child will always know their birth parents. I would say to potential birth mothers and fathers and families that in our house, this child will know your name. Always. Your name will be spoken with honor and celebrated forever in our home. Your picture will have a special place in this child's room and will hang in the hall beside all the rest of our family pictures. If we are lucky, we'll have pictures of all of us hanging in that hall because you will always be family, not just to this child but also to us. We will shower you with more pictures and updates than you know what to do with! This can be in the form of blogs (I love the ease and timeliness of it!), letters, phone calls, and photographs.

We would like to meet you and have an ongoing relationship with you that would include visits, phone calls, texts, and letters. You will be part of this child's life. And not just on holidays or birthdays, but on the average Tuesday where we meet at the park and grab coffee while a little rambunctious 2-year-old races around the park. If we live distance from you, then please know that love covers all distances. And the cool thing about us is that we travel and we travel all the time! We will travel to you, we'll bring you to us, we'll meet in the middle. But we will have a relationship if you allow it. We acknowledge and are aware that adoption is a situation where we gain, but the other parties have loss. Our child will have loss, the First Family will have loss and grief is a part of that process. We honor this for you and for our child and we recognize it before the loss has even happened.

The more we learned about open adoption, the more we knew that it was the right path for us. We live our life with honesty and openness, so we feel strongly that an ongoing connection with the birth family would be the best thing possible for the child, and for everyone involved. Our definition of “family” is already very broad — including step parents, honorary parents, chosen sisters, and unofficial nieces and nephews — and we will truly welcome you and your family into our lives. We’re excited to forge a relationship with you, which we hope will become close over time. Our vision of open adoption includes celebrating birthdays together, enjoying family time at the zoo or playground, and mutual attendance at school performances or games (geography permitting), in addition to sharing photos regularly and keeping in touch throughout the year. We know that you will have your own wishes, and that your needs may change over time, and we will do everything we can to maintain our ties and ensure you are happy with the arrangement. Most of all, we want to make sure your child is given all the love possible — by you, by us, and by everyone willing to share their love.

Our greatest hope is to raise a child in a happy, loving home where they have every opportunity to enjoy the good things in life, and one of the good things in life is acceptance and love. We will allow your child space to explore their interests, learn about other cultures, and grow into the individual they are. We will guide your child to become a caring, compassionate and respectful person. But most of all, we will shower him/her with love. We wish you all the best as you make the difficult decisions that you will face in the future. Even if we are not the right match for you, please know that you are in our hearts and we wish you success in your journey.

Right now these are our dreams, hopes and promises. Life and time will change and shape how we, along with you, make our own path but we can only speak from our intentions and our plans for adoption as we continue on this journey.

If you would like to know more about us, please feel free to email us at laurenclintadopt@gmail.com

You can also check out our Facebook page with more posts, pictures and information
http://www.facebook.com/LaurenAndClintsAdoptionPage

Life with our dogs

So today's post isn't so much of an update, but more a peek into our life, just like our post about painting the nursery. We posted some pics tonight on our Facebook Page of our dogs, and thought we should share more about the furbabies in our life!

Can you throw the ball now mom? NOW?

Shaka is our oldest, and he's the smallest of the group. He's certainly the dog in charge, although I don't think he cares if he's the alpha of the pack, as long as he's in his mom's lap. He likes to think he's the favorite!

WHEEEEEE!!!!!!!

GOT IT!

If we had to give them personalities, Shaka is a bit more reserved and serious, similar to his momma. He could spend all day sleeping and isn't the rowdy one of the group. He also prefers to play with the humans of the house, and would play "fetch" all day long if we were up to it. Shaka is also a sneaky kisser- if you let him anywhere near your mouth, you are going to 2nd base with this little man! He's going to give you a french kiss like you've never had before, so if you don't want to get quite that friendly with him, don't let him try to give you kisses!  The sneaky part is that sometimes you don't see them coming and the next thing you know, you've gotten a bit more than you bargained for from our little miniature dachshund. But he's so adorable, how could you be mad?

You have to be careful with Shaka. He's the sneaky food stealer of the bunch and he has no problem turning over on his side and offering up his puppy dog eyes to get you to give up your food (and momma does!). Shaka is also certainly the one who thinks he's the guard dog of the house, despite the fact that we have a husky. She seems to think Shaka can handle it though, so she let's him think he's the big dog.

Now this never happens! Leah is a
daddy's girl and doesn't
rest on momma all that often!

Speaking of big dogs, Leah is our big dog of the house, but she's the most gentle of the pack. She is a rescue dog and she is around 4 years old. Clint always wanted a husky but we assumed they couldn't handle the heat. It turns out we were wrong! Huskies have an extra layer of fat and thick fur that protects them from any extreme temperature, not just the cold, as long as you don't give them a hair cut! The long hair blocks out those suns rays. We still keep her indoor in the summer just in case. 

Leah is a sweet girl and we usually call her Lee-Lee. We don't get all that much snow in Texas, but she had a BALL last year when we got a few inches!

How adorable is this!!!! They sleep like this every day and have
since the day we brought Heidi home. Leah seems to love it too.

Heidi is our newest rescue and she's part Lab/part "we're not sure but something with long hair that doesn't shed". Heidi is around 10-11 weeks old but seem to be a bit more mature than a young pup. We're also pretty sure she thinks that Leah is her mom, because she spends all her time by Leah's side, she plays the most with her and she constantly licks her face.
Heidi is definitely part lab because she loves water and she's incredibly loyal already at such a young age. She seems to pick up tricks really easily and can already sit and stay even when we have food- wish Shaka would pick up that trick! He was probably stealing our food while we were training Heidi! Heidi is really great with kids and lets our niece pick her up and carry her all over the place. All of our dogs are really good with young kids and we've trained them to be around kids and let them get their tails yanked without getting annoyed. Heidi is fitting right in and loves to give tons of kisses to kids.

Guarding her toy "just in case"

Falling asleep seconds later. But at least she's still guarding her toy! We just let her sleep but it's hard to resist not cuddling this level of adorable!

Don't forget to "Like" our Facebook page and continue to share it! http://www.facebook.com/LaurenAndClintsAdoptionPage

Home Study Visit is Complete!

We took this shot a few minutes before we knocked on the door
just to remember the day and how we felt!

Because everyone paints both their bathrooms 24 hours
before their home visit... right? Is it just us? 

Whew!  We had our home study visit (the in-home one) yesterday and not only did we survive, but we know that we passed!  We've spent the last few weeks cleaning around our work and school schedules and we even called in reinforcements one day when I got overwhelmed cleaning the blinds of all things! So even up to the day of the visit, we cleaned all day, painted the bathrooms, and by the time Clint was vacuuming under the couch cushions and I was polishing the top of the refrigerator, I figured we were ready. 

I spent the previous day potting plants and painting the 2nd bathroom and then woke up the morning of the visit and painted our bathroom. When it got down to the wire, I remembered that a bath might be a nice courtesy so I had to get my hair dried and my make up in a rush!

She finally arrived at 4pm and we went on a quick tour of the house.   Everyone always says that counselors really don't check every nook and cranny for cleanliness...and it's true!  Who would have guessed?!  She didn't analyze the bathrooms that I spent hours painting, she didn't examine our cleaned floors, nor did she discover that our closet in our bedroom was still a disaster area! We spent a total of probably 10 minutes touring the house, and 8 of those were spent oohing and ahhing over the rainbow in the nursery. 



After our spin about the house, it was time to start the interviews. 

We reviewed some of the answers we already turned in when we sent in our paperwork and some people have asked what all is included in this part. So, here is a short list!

our childhood

describe parents and siblings who are living 

our relationship with our parents, or anyone we may be estranged from and why

our relationship with our siblings

what our childhood was like

any traumatic experiences we had in our youth

what our home life was like as children

any abuse we may have suffered as children, physical, verbal or sexual

what discipline styles were used on us as children

any deaths in our family and how they affected us

how we met and where married

how long we have been married

what we love about our mate

how we work through our differences

what qualities in our mate make them a good husband, wife and parent

our sex life (yes...i know what you are thinking--and yes, it is a bit awkward)

our approach to disciplining a child

why we want to adopt

our feelings on being able to love a child that isn't ours biologically

details on our income, any debts, etc.

any past criminal history

can we financially support more children

any health problems and if so, will they impact our ability to care for more children

if both parents work, who will care for the adopted child

our neighborhood and what schools we will send the child

our religious beliefs/faith and if we were to accept a child who is not of our faith, would we allow them to worship the way they want to

would we be willing to accept a child who may not look like us or be of the same racial background as us-if so, how would we deal with parenting that child and how would we incorporate and educate the child on their culture and make this a part of their life with us

And so on. That list is a short version of nearly 40 pages of information we had to fill out and then discuss again in person. But remember that these people are both used to asking these questions, and are also skilled at building rapport. You don't feel as if you are being interrogated, but more gently asked in conversation and discussion as a means of helping paint a true picture of you on paper for the courts. They are therapists- they know how to ask the tough questions and still make you feel supported. It was also nice having experience working at CPS when I was younger and then of course now being a therapist myself because the process felt normal and fairly smooth. 


After a few hours, she split us up for about 10 minutes each and this step is to ensure that if we have any individual concerns, like if one spouse wasn't truly on board, that they could voice their issues. They ask us each the same questions but it's short. And then we were done!


It was almost 3 hours but it went pretty quick and since we had already answered all the questions before, nothing came out of left field and there were no mysteries about what she would discuss with us. We spent a good hour talking about our passion about rights of first families/birth families and our true commitment to open adoption. Our counselor has been doing adoption and home studies for a good bit of time and she said she was thoroughly impressed by our answers when she was reading our file and specifically asked to do our case when they were staffing our file at the office because she wanted to discuss more of this with us. She also mentioned that in her experience, she has never seen a couple as dedicated to open adoption and as aware of all sides of the adoption experience. We put in our paperwork that we know that for us, we are the only ones who gain in this process. All other's, even our children, will have some kind of loss, even if the relationship is open with the first family for life. There is still loss and grief to recognize and allow and we are mindful of this for all involved, as much as we can be at least at this stage of the process. 


So now, we have a PERFECTLY clean house and an almost complete home study.  WOOO HOOO!  Thank you all for the prayers and encouragement through this leg of the process.  We have one more form to turn in and are waiting on a couple of friends to mail in their letters of recommendation.  From there, she will write the report, we will read a draft, and then we approve a final copy. The final copy goes on file and becomes a legal document and from that moment forward, we are legally approved to adopt anywhere in the United States! 2-3 weeks from now we would be capable of bringing a child into our home!  


Advice or Insight into anyone looking for tips about surviving the Adoption Home Study Visit

1. Relax! In almost every single case, they are looking for you to pass. They are on your side, and they WANT to approve you. Someone told me this very early on and it really helped relax me heading into this. There is no need to fear your case worker or the visit!

2. While our house didn't get examined inside and out, it does sometimes happen. If you have a particular area you were hoping she wouldn't look in, just tell her! 

3. You could be in the middle of construction and you'd still pass the home study. We ripped up our carpet months ago and are staining the concrete, and this was no biggie at all. They just want to see if you have space for a baby and that the house isn't a dungeon. 

4. You really don't need to prepare. You'll most likely be asked the same questions you already filled out in your paperwork and the interview is to clarify some of the things you wrote. So if you wrote about infertility, she might ask for more information about how you handled the stress of IVF and how your marriage is strong as a result. Don't over-prepare or rehearse any answers and let your partner/spouse answer even if it makes you nervous! She doesn't want to just hear one side of the relationship. I knew Clint would do fine, so I wasn't worried about his responses but I've read of couples who let one person do all the talking and that concerned the case worker a bit. 

5. Make sure your house isn't so clean that it looks like a museum. Your Caseworker knows that this is your LIVING space, so it's ok to look like you live in it!

6. You won't be interrogated and if you get nervous during the process, just say so! Being real and vulnerable makes you human. Nobody is going to whip out a flashlight and ask you where you were on the night of December 14th in 2001. 

At a minimum, this is what they are looking for on their checklist:

• Do you have working smoke alarms?
• If you own firearms, are they stored safely?
• Do you have a safe source of water in your home?
• Do you have adequate space for your child to sleep?
• If you have a yard, is it safe?

That's it! 

Some people also want to know what all we had to do before the home visit and we will outline that in a separate blog post for anyone wanting more insight into how the adoption process works!